Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
