Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
