People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
