He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
