He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
