why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
pop tarts are not kleenex
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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