he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
