it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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