My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
