I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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