I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
