Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
