my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
