allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
