I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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