Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
