If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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