Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
