News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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