i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
