I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize