I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
