i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
