I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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