just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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