i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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