I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
