Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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