My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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