I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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