I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
