Kiss
Puke
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize