I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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