Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
