I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
