worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
