I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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