shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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