Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
