I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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