i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
