I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
