Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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