I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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