a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
