my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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