I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
