either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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