He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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