Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
