I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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