dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
