Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
