If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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