I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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