she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
