Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
