Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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