did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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