tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
