If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
