cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
